Owl Post
by Billycan
Summary: PRE HBP After the war, Harry and Snape try to set up a friendly correspondence, but it doesn't turn out as planned.
1. The East Hollywood Flat

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything from the books or movies or any of that, it all belongs to JK Rowling. Darn. ; ) 

A/N: 'Owl Post' will probably read as a little exaggurated because I was playing off the stereotypes of Harry being a clueless do-gooder and Snape being a twisted old scrooge. I hope you like it either way! PRE-HBP

* * *

Part One: The East Hollywood Flat

To: Mr. Severus Snape

I know we never really hit it off in the past but I wanted to try to start out fresh. It's a bit petty to keep holding grudges, isn't it? I promise I'll forget all about your failing me in my N.E.W.Ts if you say we can try to turn a new leaf.

What do you say?

-- Harry Potter

* * *

To: Harry Potter

Although your offer gives me the impression that there is an underlying motive in all this, and quite honestly it's frightening, I am willing to give up the past. However, I won't put up with details of your personal life or any inquiry into mine. If you respect my wishes, we should have no troubles.

Write back soon.

-- Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Snape,

Great! It seems a little rude to say what you did about personal life, but I can deal with it. After all, that's how all friendships start out, right?

Hope to hear from you soon,  
-- Harry Potter

* * *

To: Harry Potter

Your assumption that this trivial exchange of letters will somehow develop into a friendship is pathetic, but I also feel that should I ignore you or even insult you it will all bounce off your thick skull and you will thus continue sending me letters. So you can see I am in a bit of a predicament here.

-- Severus Snape

* * *

Dear Snape,

You have to be a little more willing to do this, Snape. Actually, just to warm things up, I'm going to call you Severus. It's an equalizer.

-- Harry

* * *

hiya harri!

like how r u? i havnt seen u since like voldiemort burrnt off mah leg! o, but i dont wanna botha u wit all mah probs. CALL ME!

-- snapey doodey woo

* * *

Dear Severus,

That isn't what I meant.

-- Harry

* * *

Harry Potter,

Your persistence in writing me these Godawful letters is like slowly having my fingernails pulled out with rusty fire pokers. If I had less integrity, something would be done.

As it is, I realize that I made an earlier promise to try to forget how much I hate you. Ere I force myself to continue reading and answering your drivel.

-- Professor Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

As long as your willing!

But you seem unhappy. Are you unhappy?

-- Harry

* * *

Harry Potter,

I am extremely unhappy, you damned idiot! I only have one leg! Where you are exalted above everything else alive I am left to nothing in a miserable condo in this miserable shire! My cable bills are piling up and something is living in my closet! YOU are the only person I have contact with! And you ask if I am unhappy?

-- Professor Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

Calm down! I was only asking. I'm susceptible to nervous breakdowns myself.

Maybe I could help?

-- Harry

* * *

Harry Stupid Potter,

The only way you could help is by buying me a flat in East Hollywood and leaving me alone.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Dear Severus,

How many rooms? Do you want to be near Hollywood studios or not? One or two bathrooms? Should there be room for an animal?

-- Harry

* * *

Potter,

You aren't serious.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

Of course I am. What are friends for? Now, is this a small or a large animal we're talking about here?

-- Harry

* * *

Harry 'I Am A Moron' Potter,

Somehow, Potter, I get the idea that should I ask for the moon you would not hesitate to get it for me. The only hope in respite I would have should this be the case is that subsequently, the moon would fall on your head and crush you into oblivion.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

Well, Sevvy, I should think that given the size of the moon, if it did indeed fell on my head it was also crush you into oblivion, unless you were already in the flat I rented out for you in East Hollywood. Er . . . do you want the moon? I'm sure I could ask Hermione for a charm. She'd probably be able to find one for me.

-- Harry

* * *

Shithead,

And although you did not ask my consent before renting out this flat, a flat I did not even want in the first place, you seem to think that I am somehow grateful.

But I digress. Due to your extreme level of stupidity, I expect to be, unsurprisingly, disappointed when I ask if you have thought ahead far enough to order plane tickets? In case your memory fails you, I can no longer apparate or ride a broom. But I suppose with one's head shoved so far up one's ass, it matters not.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

But I thought you did want the flat? You said, and I quote,

'The only way you could help me is by buying me a flat in East Hollywood.'

And don't worry about the plane tickets. I already bought them - I couldn't get first class, but I'm sure you won't mind coach, right? In fact, I've already furnished your apartment. I couldn't get anyone in Hollywood to recreate the Hogwarts dungeons, the one guy who came close threatened to alert the authorities once I gave him the plans, but you'll like the place.

Trust me.

-- Harry

* * *

Shithead a la mode,

I wouldn't trust you with my life. No force in Heaven or Hell would convince me to move into that flat.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

You'll like it.

-- Harry

* * *

Stupid,

No.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

I've already taken out an insurance policy on it, so you have no choice. What harm could it do, really? It wouldn't kill you to get out into the real world.

-- Harry Potter

* * *

Stupid,

Hearing the words 'harm' and 'kill' from you in regards to myself is less than comforting, whatever your intentions may have been.

And as I said before, no.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

Arguing about this, I don't think, is very good for our friendship. How about this: I'll promise to cancel the lease on the flat and refund the plane tickets and Ferrari if you'll promise to be nicer to me in future.

-- Harry

* * *

Harry Potter,

Done and done. But . . . what was that about a Ferrari?

-- Prof. Snape


	2. Esther Rantzen's Child Helpline

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything from the books or movies or any of that, it all belongs to JK Rowling. Darn. ; ) I wasn't trying to insult German people by having the painter be German (I am part German myself). The angry German painter is based on one of the TV art instructors from a while ago, I don't remember his name, but his personality and Snape's complaints about him are mostly taken from an HBO stand-up from Patton Oswalt. Esther Rantzen is a woman in the UK who helps people and who has her own help line. She has frighteningly large teeth. 

A/N: 'Owl Post' will probably read as a little exaggurated because I was playing off the stereotypes of Harry being a clueless do-gooder and Snape being a twisted old scrooge. I hope you like it either way!

* * *

Part Two: Esther Rantzin's Child Helpline

* * *

Sev,

It's Harry! I don't know what happened to Hedwig, but it took her ages to get back to me and she was all funny looking, if you know what I mean. And by the way, what did your last letter mean? Something about 'From me to you'? I think you need to work on your humor, Sev. I didn't get it.

Write back soon!  
-- Harry xx

* * *

Potter,

I'm a broken man. I don't want to continue writing to you but somehow I feel entitled . . . just as I feel entitled to force myself to read what you have to say, to force myself to wake up every morning, and to force myself not to hex you to within an inch of your life. My honor is all I have left, do you understand? Don't make me do something drastic like ignore you.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

Is that why you keep signing as 'Professor Snape' even though you aren't a professor anymore?

-- Harry

* * *

Potter,

Yes, it is exactly why. But listen to me, and listen to me closely:

I have always been and always will be your superior, I am not 'Severus' I am not 'Sev' you are to address me as Professor Snape!

That being said, thank you for the chocolates.

-- Your Lord and Master Severus Snape

* * *

Sev,

It was my pleasure. They're Russel Stover; I thought you might like those. I even took out the coconut for you.

And FYI, I really do think you need to work on your humor. The whole thing about being superior and 'Your Lord and Master' comes off as a little snooty, don't you think? Of course, not that it's my place to say, but as your friend I just wanted to let you know.

-- Harry xoxo

* * *

Pothead,

What do you mean, took out the coconut? Coconut is all that was in there!

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

Look again.

-- Harry

* * *

Pothead,

I'll ignore your obvious mistake in hope that it will somehow make my life easier. I would also like you to know that this letter exchange is going nowhere.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

It's like I said before: what you said about any mention of personal business just kills the whole thing. You really have to be more open in this!

-- Harry

* * *

Pothead,

The most personal thing I can think to say to you is: I hate you, I hate it that you continue writing to me, I hate it that I can't seem to stop writing to you.

I despise this continued existence.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

Severus, please, for me, flush the pills and we'll never mention it again.

-- Harry

* * *

Pothead,

Pills? While I admit that even I didn't think that your stupidity could somehow grow, it has indeed and quite frankly it is severely bothering me. It's like having a big, fat ape following me around at every turn.

So do be a chum and tell Esther Rantzen's people to stop coming by my condo.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

I thought you couldn't walk? I don't know. Do you like monkeys?

And if I call Esther (she really is a nice lady, you should try calling her yourself) and tell her to leave you alone, it'll just be social services after that. She has connections, you know.

-- Harry

* * *

Pothead stupid stupid stupid zoophile,

Not only is Esther Rantzen a CHILD helper, but her people did not leave off and instead are coming by more often and insisting on singing songs about helping the environment and growing up to be a nice person. I think the last one got the picture when I hit him over the head with his guitar, but I seem to have started a chain reaction and I'm being treated for anger management now too, to add on to all this hell.

Also, apes are not monkeys. They are completely different, and I don't appreciate the baby monkey book you sent me.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

Well I'm sorry, but I can't help you about Esther's people. You know, if you hadn't made me cancel the lease on the flat in East Hollywood then you could be peacefully settled in there and they wouldn't bother you. Don't blame me.

But on a bright note, I loved the drawing you sent me! Of the hydra, I mean. I don't get what you meant to say by having all the heads look like Esther, but I think you have definite potential. Keep drawing, mate.

-- Harry

* * *

INSUFFERABLE BEAST,

First, if you hadn't called Esther Rantzen in the first place, those assholes wouldn't be bothering me, and second, should I have moved into that East Hollywood flat, though it would have placed me a safe distance away from those fucks in white coats, it would not have cut off contact with you, and third, I would look terrible with a tan anyway!

And stop doing things for me! Who was that angry German freak who came by my condo last Sunday to bitch about his third wife? Who was that? I have a feeling that it was your doing, shithead, and once again, TELL HIM TO LEAVE OFF.

-- Prof. Snape

* * *

Sev,

Calm down! The German guy was a drawing instructor I called up to help you work on your drawing skills. He's an okay guy, but if he starts talking about writing out divorce papers in blood just make him a sandwich and some coffee and he'll be fine.

And, no offence Sev, but you really are pale as a noodle. I think a bit of a tan would do you good.

-- Harry

* * *

Potter,

Stop writing to me. Don't ever expect to hear from the German again, he is gone, and I'm not telling you where. I am burning every letter you send me. If I have to, I'll dispose of your owl along with the German.

I expect never to hear from you again.

-- Professor Severus Snape


	3. Professional Sharpe Shooter

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or anything from the books or movies or any of that, it all belongs to JK Rowling. Oh well : ( 

A/N: Again, 'Owl Post' is as far from canon as you can possible get, but I hope you enjoy anyway! PRE-HBP

* * *

Part Two: Professional Sharp Shooter

* * *

Sev,

You haven't written in a while. Is anything up?

Guess what? Ginny and I are getting married! Would you like to come to the wedding?

-- Harry

* * *

Potter,

Nothing is up. I would have thought that you'd realize that. Please stop writing to me, I've checked into therapy and was doing fine until one of your owls managed to get past the professional sharp shooter I hired to sit out on the front lawn. Subsequently I fired him for being inept. I suppose there really is nothing I can do to make you leave me alone.

And no, I would not like to come to the wedding.

-- Severus Snape

* * *

Snape,

What? Do you mean you've been killing my owls? And the wedding is in three months at Hogwarts, if you were wondering.

-- Harry

* * *

Potter,

No, I haven't. The sharp shooter has.

-- Severus Snape

* * *

Sevvy,

Look, that isn't cool. It's only fortunate that I gave Hedwig some time off. Do you want me to call animal rights?

-- Harry

* * *

Potter,

NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! IF YOU CALL ANYONE ROUND TO MY PLACE AGAIN I WILL HEX YOU INTO OBLIVION! I WILL HEX YOU UNTIL YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE THE TOILET AGAIN!

-- Severus Snape

* * *

Sev,

Look, calm down! I only have your best interests in mind. That's what friends are for, right?

-- Harry

* * *

Potfucker,

Having no real experience with the idea of 'friends,' I cannot say that I agree. I can, however, say that I've been quite successful in locating some very satisfying hexes that I'm looking forward to trying out on you if you write again.

I threw out the Friends picture frame you sent, by the way.

-- Severus Snape

* * *

Severus,

I am going to warn you once. Please stop being rude to me and stop killing my owls.

-- Harry Potter

* * *

Potter,

You are an idiot. You really are an idiot. You are one of the most hopelessly inept, stupid, idiots I have ever met.

-- Severus Snape

* * *

Snape,

And you are a smell, greasy old one legged butt munch.

-- Harry Potter

* * *

Potter,

At least I don't hang around with a bunch of people who don't know when to stop breeding!

-- Snape

* * *

Snape,

I BET YOU MASTURBATE WITH SNAKES!

-- Harry Potter

* * *

POTHEAD,

AT LEAST I DON'T MASTURBATE WITH BROOM STICKS!

-- Snape

* * *

Snape,

Sev, you can shove your head up your ass. Or better yet, have Draco do it for you as I'm not quite sure you have the capability.

-- Mr. Harry Potter.

* * *

Potter,

Stop writing to me.

-- Snape

* * *

Snape,

I'm way ahead of you. Go get fucked by Voldemort.

-- Mr. Harry Potter

**Fin**


End file.
